Everytime I hear That Song

a_beautiful_kc @ 2006-07-22T01:15:00

2006-07-22T05:18:40Z

Im using this journal for Communities... :)

<3

a_beautiful_kc @ 2005-02-18T08:11:00

2005-02-18T13:11:18Z

im sitting here in goughs room b/c its senior skip day and there is like noone here. this week has been bullshit. the past 4 months have been bullshit. tomorrow is the party and im fuckin stressing over it. i was in the worst mood yesterday but thats okay :)

"Maybe nothing is as perfect as we imagine it to be. Maybe all we hope for will never come true. Maybe it's too much to picture love the way it's "supposed" to be. Maybe it's easier just to give up. Maybe no matter how hard we wish for our "soul mate" there really isn't one. Maybe what we picture as the perfect romance is nothing but a fairy tale. Maybe there's no such thing as prince charming. Maybe what we see isn't really what is, Maybe there's no such thing as "happily ever after"...

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-10-30T00:47:00

2004-10-30T05:08:56Z

Im such a pitty case right now. I seriously am soooo upset and noone is there for me. In 4 and a 1/2 hours Jeremy will be on a plane back to Iraq. I really like how I got to see him for like 3 total hours. And I like how he remembers me with his big news. We were never close but I really wish we were. Well the BIG news for tonight is, Im getting a sister-in-law :) <3 how exciting! I CALLED IT!!! Woo I was right. I was so excited for Jer to come home but yea that excitment got shattered :(

I really do like to dwell on things but I actually have ONE real frined. And that ONE real friend I know will always be there. She would never do this to me, I wanna bash her head off of a brick wall! Yea im hating right now! BIG TIME!!!

POEM TO FIT THE MOMENT!!

-I think your supposed to have a tough life, to learn how to be strong. I think your supposed to get hurt, in order to find things out about yourself. I think your supposed to cry, to find out who are the ones that will be with you n make u feel better. I think your supposed to be lied to or deceived, in order to understand that that isn't the way it should be. I think your supposed to have your heart broken, cuz when it heals u will have more love to give and u will know how to give it better. I think your supposed to not know what to do, cuz if u did know everything, u mighta missed out on something that u cherish I think your supposed to feel like no one loves u sometimes, cuz the people that do are the ones that stand by u till the end.

Ive completly fallen for him? I think! I think im afraid of getting hurt, who knows but i think i fell :(

Any advice??...

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-10-29T15:17:00

2004-10-29T19:18:06Z

i havent updated in a long long time but i dont think ive ever been hurt this much ever. your suppose to be one of my best friends but this is the last straw and if u wanna spread rumors around about me then im done with you i dont need you. like i regret everything, and now i want you to die. you hurt me in the worst possible way, so now you can die bitch and i hope everyone comes and helps me beat the shit outta you!

on the other note,

Dear Heart,
i met a boy today, prepare to shatter.

somewhere between the procrastination
and the homework
and the incessant forwards
and the friendships
and the nasty cafeteria food
and the calls to eachother complaining about crushes
somewhere between the phone calls to old friends
and the "i miss you's"
and the "i love you's"
and the "what are we doing tonight's"
somewhere between the classes
and the skipping classes
and the studying for tests
and the pretending to study for tests
and the downright not studying for tests
i forgot
i forgot was highschool is all about
i forgot what it meant to cry
i forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy
and that pretending to be smart doesnt make you smart
i forgot that you can't just forget the past in fear of the future
i forgot that you can't control falling in love
and that you can't make yourself fall in love
i learned that it's okay to mess up
and it's okay to ask for help
and it's okay to feel like crap
i learned it's okay to complain and whine to all your friends for a whole day
i learned that sometimes the things you want most you just can't have
i learned that the greatest things about high school isn't the parties or the drinking or the hook ups
it's the friendships which means taking chances
i learned that sometiems the things we want to forget are the things which we most need to talk about
i learned that letters from friends are the most important thing
and that sending cards to your friends makes you feel better
but *****basicially i just learned that my friends
both old and new
are the most important people in my world
and without them, i wouldn't be who i am today***** AND I KNOW THAT I DONT NEED YOU

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-10-08T20:40:00

2004-10-09T03:40:21Z

I havent updated in like a week. um, yea theres like nothing going on in my life. I just keep counting down the days till Jeremy comes home :D im mad excited for that! Thursday, October 15 at either 11 a.m. or 7 p.m i will be seeing him. Im all excited to see him and have him come home but yea what do i do when his two weeks are up? thats going to be so freakin hard. I like never work anymore b/c i wanna do fun amazing things and do i? NO, my life is to chaotic to actually enjoy myself. I never see Mallory and I rarely talk to her. She blows me off alot and yes im use to it but what can ya do bout it? i try to talk to her about it but it really doesnt work. I cant wait till the football game tomorrow! I think i just wanna see the certain few that i saw last time. Maybe im bein like a second grader and like "omg lets look at him from over here and notlet him know that i like him" type of shit, but i cant do anything about it. He should come talk to me, stop bein a baby and say HI, its sooo easy to do! im not a bitch i wont rip your throat out. ive been getting in moods that i will be so sad and just wanna sleep and not go to school. um, well yea i like to not go to school. school sucks and im like failing it so why not stay home and be able to fail? do i not make a good point? ive gathered up alot of hate towards some peopel and i know hate is such a strong word but some people need to be hated ;). people may not like me and im okay with that but seriously i hate people. im such a judger andi shouldnt be b/c im just as nasty as the people i judge. im gonna start a whole new perspective on things. Boys, School, Life, Freindship, everything. Last weekend i saw how best friends should be and i dont have that. i have the kind of best friend that you may not talk for a month but if you just get in a mood where you cry and have noone you know you can go to them and they will be right there for you! not everyone has the same relationship with their freinds, i love mine and i dont feel like im getting it back, andthats okay, im always gonna be there for them and if they dont wanna be there for me then theres something wrong with them. im missing the summer where it was all good and i was careless and had so much fun. but now school started and it blows. i remeber the day when " NO!! from the driveway to the house" was said and how i almost pissed myself when it was said. or when "are you going to molest me?" was said. those times are gone and this is here for now but wait till next summer when i can drive and not care about ANYTHING! im gonna try tonot care about the people that want to screw me over, but its hard b/c i fall for their little scandles. when i started to type i had nothing to say but i all this came out and i dont know where it came from. maybe sometimes you just need to get some stuff out, even if noone cares.

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-10-03T18:57:00

2004-10-03T23:07:09Z

This weekend was a BLAST!!!! On Friday i went to the football game, and omg like it couldnt of been better!!! I saw sunshine, my pirate(arrr), big, and ewwwieee boy! hahah well it got me happy b/c i noticed that arrr was like staring at me but yes i always say they do but really he was! im just to pussy to go and talk to any of them.

Friday after the football game i went over Erins and met her two amigos, Hannah and Susan. We started downin the alki and omg it was a blast. i couldnt do the burrr(beer in NJ talk) so iwas doin the absolute. well we al got pretty messed up and Hannah like got soooo wasted. she just walked into the living room and went into the dog cage..who does that?! haha it was sooo funny. then onsat night i went back after work and we sat and watched tv like allnight and ate...im like a huge ass mofo right now :(. then i was flippin through the stations and skin-a-max came on and erin was like OMG KEEP IT ON I LOVVEEE PORN!...im like hmm...shes sooo funny...well we ended up watchin a low budget wannabe porn murder movie...it was funny. I cant wait till those girl come in again! <3

i learned some NJ talk...MY BABY'S GOIN CRAZZZYY...aha MY BABY!!

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-09-29T20:48:00

2004-09-30T00:53:56Z

today in english i was sitting there and got so sad. i wanted to cry, it was that bad. i dunno why i got like that but it was like a total shock b/c i havent been sad sad in a longgg time. when i ate my salad for lunch today i felt like such a hog! i ate it all and there wasnt alot but i felt hugggee!...that and like jello was all i ate today :\.

*have you ever felt like noone needs, wants, orloves you? i dunno maybe thats why i got upset today. like can you just go from being really really good friends to feeling like you mean nothing to one another? like in a snap of a finger we went from great to a hello and thats all. what is up with that?! people change and i guess i gotta move on and deal with it.

im dreding the psat's and the sat's b/c im gonna bomb them because im a loser and a deadbeat!:(...why take um when u know your just gonna end up disappointing youself and everyone else? im scared that my life is going to be nothing when im older. im gonna end up being a manager at BK or somewhere where you get a not so good rep.

im really looking forward to friday night, football game then maybe go play some pool...maybe ill see someone :\ who knows im being led on not by him but from someone who thinks they know him OH SO WELL.blahhkkk im just going on and on but when your best friend isnt there to talk to then i gotta ramble on in here

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-09-26T14:15:00

2004-09-26T18:16:51Z

I havent posted in a while. Whats there to say? If youve been reading ifellinlust then you know that Jeremy is comming home October 15-16!!!! Im sooo happy!! I cant wait to see him!! :)

I went shopping today and saw Miss Lindsey Henery! It was really nice to see her! I havent talked to her in a while. I miss her!! :(

I got the Big 'n' Rich Cd!! im only in love with them!:)...so exciting! I also got some vickis perfume and a sweater, bracelet, and lipgloss from AE...i live at that store!! i had to pay with cash tho b/c my AE card it at its max! i was like OMG NOOOO....hahah and im not done paying it off :( i thought i was but im not!!

ive been really confused bout you. like what sshould ido? oooowelll....

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-09-21T19:42:00

2004-09-21T23:42:35Z

yea as of now he thinks im fat...well i am but has he ever looked in the mirror? o well he could die for all i care.

does it get better? no, no it doesnt, what else is there to do?

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-09-19T17:41:00

2004-09-19T21:38:59Z

Have you ever felt like the ones that mean the most to you could careless about you? We are suppose to be friends, why do u have to lie to me and try to make me like ur better then me? Did you do what you did just to get back at me b/c ur obviously jealous? Well you really hurt me and now i want you to die. And that one person can die to...i want nothing to do with you two. YOU TWO CAN HAVE EACH OTHER! your fat and ugly and have no friends... I DONT NEED YOU...YOU need me.. PERIOD!

whats wrong with me? amd i to fat? and i to ugly? am i to short? do u not like the color of my hair? or of my eyes? THOSE THINGS SHOULNDT MATTER!!and i can say that over and over to you when in reality im the one whos judging you..i miss you and i really fucked it up..i know i did and i guess thats what i deserve. maybe u coul give me aa third chance? if we are meant to be then we will be brought together. and i hope we are!

i just wanna be able to go out and not be judged. and have EVERYONE equal...maybe that one person is a scumbag, but that shouldnt matter...ITS HIS PERSONALITY thats why im attracted to him. hes not really a scumbag..but its confusing..:(

christina said somehting to me last night that was sooo true..and made me think...

shes like i have a crush list of ZERO...yours is like 8 million...

its true, and do i do anyhting about them? NO...im shy..sorry...i have no confidence in myself..and if i come off as a bitch im sorry, im really not, most of the time, but u should get to know me anyway...DONT JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER!!

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-09-14T19:45:00

2004-09-14T23:43:23Z

I havent updated in a while. My computer has been broke...still is. Today i got sent to guidence b/c i was put in the H.O.P.E box. I got in there and hes like shut the door and sit down. So I do so, hes then like take off ur jacket...im thinking helll nooo, but then i was like ohhh my arm....he wanted to see the burn...hah wow b/c i burn my arm they think im like suicidal or somehting...mind you own freakin buisness thank you!..its deff gonna leave a scar...no more ice and salt for me :( its all blistered and grossness!:( yesterday wwas like one of the worst days of my life!! ugggg...not even gonna go over it, it sucked that much today i sorta talked to BIG...i want him!! OMG!1 ughhh hes like only goreous! :P...the new sunshine ;) but i really acutally have a chance! :)...woo... like i wanna keep talking bout him but i wont b/c its rude and annoying bc i always talk bout him! :)... people piss me off b/c of their retardedness...aggghhh.. well i shall be going and updating on some school work My NEW Livejournal name is ifellinlust.... so if u add me tell me so i can add you back...only b/c people who are friends dont comment or even read so i dont want that :) -xoxo- mionganucgfkib...figure it out people :D

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-09-06T00:13:00

2004-09-06T04:16:05Z

I made a new journal name...im gonna use that from NOW ON! if u wanna be put on my friends...comment on here and ill add u and then comment from there in ur journal...i dont even think i read all of my friends on here and i doubt they read mine...or that they care bout what i do feel!...

let me know..and if u dont then fuck you..=D

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-09-05T15:02:00

2004-09-05T19:04:29Z

I went shopping again...

         pants- $39.50
         4 Tees- round $50ish
         necklace, ring, headband, and 2 bracelets- 50ish

i still have NO money!

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-09-04T21:27:00

2004-09-05T01:29:35Z

eww tonight im all dirtyyy...
     i woke up at 1130...showered and what not...went to chelseas, met tom(hes a good kid) went out to eat with them, went fishing, sat around the campfire...and still had you on my mind...

     im dirty because i put the worm on my hook AND took a fish off the hook...im proud of myself...

      this yr im going to try to change my ways...if i see someone i wanna get to know...im gonna do somehting bout it!

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-09-03T23:35:00

2004-09-04T03:39:47Z

Yes its one of those moods again!!... im gonna vent only b/c its MY journal!

Ive been upset latly..and ive been taking it out on other people..

I just want someone who wants me b/c of me..not b/c of my tits!! I want them to not care that im ulgy, fat, and everything in between those two!..love me for me not two attributes of my body!.. noone knows how upsetting this is for me..and you can be liek oh your mood will pass..no it wont...its been here for a long time!.. im dreding gym..i dont do the whole lets run and kill my back...yes i cant do exercises b/c of my back..i cant run, situps, pushups(only b/c they are there toucing the floor).. it makes my back hurt to the point where i cry and cant lay or even sit down b/c the pain is sooo bad..

sorry im done..

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-09-03T22:51:00

2004-09-04T03:03:27Z

okay so if you love me you will show me how much you do..right now im not feeling like anyone cares...could it be because noone does!?

right now im SOOOOOO EXCITED!! only 30 more days till Jer comes home for to weeks..well maybe a lil more then 30 days..but its in like a month!! <3

im really confused..i do feel like i cant talk to him...im not good enough...i never will be.. hes just so freakin gorgeous but im the only one who sees it!..he WILL end up hurting me if nething comes outta this...should i put my wall up? or let it down for once?...just thinkin bout it gets me excited ;)..lol..

i "flipped" out on shae tonight..i feel bad b/c it was over something retarded..i cant even remember what it was about..i feel like theres "issues" with us..i really do need to talk to her...and let her know whats up...but when am i suppose to? i never see her anymore...ehh...

im still obsessing over someone..ehkk..whyfor once can it be love and not lust?

ifellinlust

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-09-01T21:36:00

2004-09-02T01:50:52Z

Tonight is terrible...my emotions are horrible...whats wrong with me latly? I havent been eating complete meals...if u call them meals... Ive just wanted to cry...then freak out on someone...and just obsess over, Big<3(new code)...Im not approachable..hahah wellll....im really not a bitch! I swear..I have my moments but we all do. I wanna quit work.. I cant handle school, homework, and work...its impossible!! Im sick of worring about what to wear to school...noone to impress...(other then big but its impossible!)...wellll....yea...im sooo freakin tired..but Ill go to sleep and not be able to sleep.. all my "friends" are fake...why fake with me..and bring me up when I know that you are bein fake...

I have NO self-confidence what so ever... im fat, ugly, and more ugly...its no use in tryin to get up and get all dolled up..when people are like omg shes uglyyyy...shes a waste of life....Ehh Screw um!

now Im going to go worry about what im gonna wear tomorrow even tho its pointless...and then try to sleep...

i havent like eaten in a week...im not hungry..

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-08-31T22:53:00

2004-09-01T02:56:06Z

Ask my friends, anyone will tell you. When u come up in any conversation,no matter what its nature,my eyes sparkle & my smile shines

that is soo freakin true

Why is it everyone looks at him and doesn't see how wonderful he is? Because I saw it the first time I laid eyes on him. I don't think I knew it then, but i guess I was falling in love

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-08-31T22:01:00

2004-09-01T02:03:32Z

wow i havent updated in a million and one years... well....school sucks balls...i dont like my classes...well only lunch <3 study/gym<3and thats all...if it wasnt for a few certain people iwould DIE...lol

woo i cant wait till jer comes home!! im counting down...its round a month or two now! wooppwoopp

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-08-30T15:25:00

2004-08-30T19:31:27Z

OMG..the concert last night was AMAAAZZZIIINNNG....

first THE WARREN BROTHERS went on and omg their guitarist was sooo fuckable! wow!! he was orgasmic :P...i hadda get up and leave b/c i started to cry when they sang the song MR. President...wow that was such a heart breaker </3..ehkk

    then FINALLY Big And Rich came on!! OMG I WAS FREAKING OUT I ABSOLUTLY LOVVVVVVVEEE THEM!!! omg big(kenny) took his shirt off and i think i fell in loveee last night!! OMG...i absolutly love him!!! omg!!! i got a big and rich teeshirt($35) and its sooo hott!!

then Tim came on and he was amazing...he did Gettin Down on the farm and that brings back the blue bomber (RIP) and then he sang dont take the girl...omg its such a good song! its a classic :)

          there was the mom and son that thought they were at a rock concert..omg the mom was drunk and was touching herself and everything it was disgusting...and omg the night was amazing!! whatta good way to let summer gooo....

            BIG AND RICH!!!!!! OMG I LOVE THEMM!!!!!

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-08-29T15:50:00

2004-08-29T19:45:49Z

Charmed

What T.V. Show Compares to Your Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

haha its sooooo trueee

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-08-29T15:39:00

2004-08-29T19:34:38Z

update...work was a blast last nightttt :D..

want some pie? hahah..eww

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-08-29T15:34:00

2004-08-29T19:31:09Z

wooohoo...Tim Mcgraw & Big and Rich concert tonight!

and goin to eckard before the concert! yipppiiieeeeee :P

boooo school tomorrow!:(...ehkk.... ill tell everyone how the concert was tomorrow...wont get home till 11ish or later and gotta get up at 5:30..so i wwont be using the computer :D

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-08-25T23:32:00

2004-08-26T03:34:52Z

yea i feel so bad for john! i think maybe hes takin kevins accident hard...

john had his accident...should be dead...couple months later his good friend was in a car accident and was killed...then his other friend totalled johns bike...broke both legs and then his other friend smashed johns truck...hes okay...but now his BEST friend was in the accident...maybe hes realizing that he should value life a little more then he does...i dunno hes just really taking it hard!

kevin your in my prayers! :(

a_beautiful_kc @ 2004-08-25T20:48:00

2004-08-26T00:50:17Z

right now im extremely happy!....why you ask? if u wanna know then ask me..im not jsut gonna post it for everyone to read ;)